Freeman Works "Not all who wander are lost; Not all that glitters is Gold"

December 31, 2012

My Last New Year’s Eve

Filed under: Seasonal — Gary Freeman @ 4:18 pm

December 31, 2012

Well, its December 31, 2012. The year that we were all supposed to vaporize and go bye-bye. I almost got to go as I recall.
On December 30, 2011, I had my usual fare of Famous Nathan’s hotdogs and went to bed by 10:30. By 11:30, I knew something was amiss. I couldn’t catch my breath. Very bad feeling.
So I woke up my blessed mother and got her to talk to me which usually got me calm enough to go to sleep. We talked for about 30 minutes and I told her that I would try to go to sleep. I hung up and it wasn’t working. I couldn’t catch my breath. Breathing is kind of a necessity nowadays. So I called her back and asked her if she could drive me to the hospital.
Made it to the hospital (Baptist) and they took me into the ER. Even though I had been to the hospital three times with the same problem this time they told me that I had an “Incident”. I think this means that I had a heart attack. My second. I got to have some additional stints put in. I believe this put me up to four or five stints in the system. There was a log jam in one of the arteries but the Doctor couldn’t get it with the sharp wire (coat hanger?) he was using.
I got to go to Cardiac ICU for three or four days. What a joy that was. I got to learn how to use a bedpan and met some really awesome nurses. One of whom got into the bed with me and showed me how to use the bedpan. Ah, Good times.
I finally got to go to the regular floor with the rest of the cardiac patients.
There I got to meet a truly spectacular individual. Ms. Jerri Leigh Wooten. Jerri Leigh is a cardiac nurse at the Baptist Hospital. A graduate of the University of Mississippi, smart as a whip and a damn fine nurse, her biggest strength is compassion. She doesn’t do it for the money because I believe her daddy may have some. She truly loves people and it shows.Jerri Leigh Jerri Leigh Wooten. Deceased Deer.

I spent a lovely three weeks with Jerri Leigh in the Baptist. And then another three months on Disability.
I tell you all this to tell you how my last new years went.

December 20, 2012

Christmas Cheer to all!!

Filed under: Seasonal — Gary Freeman @ 2:51 pm

(Note: I didn’t write this. But it says what I feel about the Christmas party circuit. GF)

 

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

(PS. I didn’t write this…..Sorry but its priceless…..

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